Only One

I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do. -Edward Everett Hale

On our first day, the head-honchos in the mail-room put little day-planners in our mailboxes. I suppose they were trying to get us off to a good start, being good managers of time and such. (Can't blame them for trying, can we?) I flipped through mine and promptly put it into my desk drawer (which has become, as Mom prophesied and as I denied, a junk drawer); I've never looked at it again. While flipping through it on the walk from the mail-room to my dorm, though, I came across a few quotes that framed the occasional calendar page. That one of Mr. Hale's really stuck with me. It is often said around here that Wheaton students are chronic over-achievers; thus far, I have no reason to doubt that statement, so I can understand why this quote is included in our day-planners. Once classes started, I quickly realized that it's really not possible to do all the reading for all my classes - or at least, to do it really well. So, as Kate would say, I've chosen my hills and cut my losses - I'm learning to, anyway. Don't worry, Mom and Dad, this isn't to say that I'm slacking off and resigning myself to bad grades. Quite the opposite. I'm merely realizing afresh that I am not a perfect person, nor a perfect student. But that's alright. I'm learning quite a lot each day - and probably just as much outside of the classroom as in. (Take that statement to mean what you will. Some part of whatever you just thought of is probably true.)

Oy, where to start? I've got a bad habit of putting off writing here until I'm too tired to do it in any good, creative way. The past week has gone incredibly quickly. Monday was a holiday, and I can't really remember what I did - I'm assuming it was homework. That's a safe guess for me these days. Tuesday was busy - after my Intro to Theater class, I went to a meeting for the theater department (which here means, everyone who is in/wants to be involved in the theater department here at Wheaton). The meeting was just a way of meeting people and getting information on how to get involved; especially in Workout, which is the core group of actors (actually, you can only be in school plays if you're in Workout) who make up the theater here. It's a group of 40, max, and you have to audition to get in. I auditioned on Thursday - but more on that in a minute. That evening I had dinner at the caf with some of the other theater Will-Be's (we hope) and seniors who are in Workout. We had a similar dinner last night, except at one of the girl's houses instead of the caf; it was great. I hope hope HOPE I get into Workout, because they're a great group. Being with them is the closest I feel to being myself and being home that I've felt in three weeks. Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. After that dinner on Tuesday, I went to the first night of the Swing Dance Club. It was pretty fun - a little overwhelming because there were about 130 people, and a little boring because we spent two hours doing the basic step... but. I think it'll be fun once it gets going. Wednesday and Friday were full of classes, and the weekend was full of homework. Also, there was an instance of country line dancing/square dancing in the football stadium on Saturday night. And although I detest country music with every fiber of my being, I have to admit that it was fun. I even wore plaid.

Anyway, so Thursday was my audition. We were given two sheets of paper with a bunch of paragraph-length monologues, and told to memorize and prepare one. I had two days to choose, but I couldn't decide between three very different monologues.... which meant that on Wednesday night, I decided that I'd see what mood I was in when I woke up the next morning, and go with that one. Apparently I was feeling very angsty when I woke up, because I chose the most emotion-charged monologue on the list (which, in retrospect, I'm very glad for. Nervous energy pays off when you're supposed to have nervous energy, anyway). The auditions were done in groups of six - and between the six of us, we took an hour and a half. We each went up and performed the bit we had rehearsed - and then the director would talk to us a bit, and have us do something drastically different with the same monologue. Sometimes we had to do really weird things; sometimes just mildly weird. But with every one of us, the director was somehow able to pick out the one area we weren't comfortable with - and then he hammered at it to see what would happen. Each of us had to give our monologue five or six times, and it was totally different every time. Some people had to change character and motive completely, even if it had nothing to do with the speech itself. Some people just had to walk at certain points in their speech, or try to get someone else to walk to them. Me? I had to throw a pillow at a Workout-Senior whenever I felt like I "needed something" from her. Another time, I had to maintain eye-contact with her while delivering one line at a time; the director would clap when it was alright for me to say the next line. Sometimes he clapped right away, and sometimes he waited for almost a full minute, and I had to figure out how to convincingly fill the time. That was really difficult - and weirdly emotional. I felt completely drained afterward. But I think it actually ended up being almost better than the way I'd rehearsed it. I always seem to feel that way after acting - at least, after I feel like I've done it well. It's so rewarding, and so completely draining. There's nothing like it.

I find out tomorrow whether or not I got in. I've been trying not to think about it that much, but it's getting hard. There are 26 returning Workout members, which means that out of everyone who auditioned over the last week, only 14 will get in. I've been told not to take it personally if I don't make it; that a lot of people don't get in on their first year. But agh. I need to be in a theater community again. I need to have a home.

Anyway. What else? Over the last week I've thought of so many little things that I wanted to blog about, but now I can't remember them. Typical. Oh! Big news - it's officially autumn weather. I've been feeling it coming for about three days now, but today everyone was saying it - it's unmistakable, that crispness in the air. The days are still bright and sunny, but the hot humidity has been replaced with a cool breeze. Sometimes it's downright cold, in fact. I'm already starting to feel like a wimp, temperature-wise. I hope it's not a harsh winter, at least not for my first year out here. Anyway, it's perfect right now. Also, the leaves are starting to turn. Just at the tops of the trees, and only some of them - but it's definitely there. I can't wait - this campus will be breathtaking in a completely new way in just a few weeks.

The day-time is glorious right now, but the nights are nice, too. I think the cold breeze must be blowing the haze out of the air, because for the last couple of nights I've been able to see stars. I haven't really been able to see them since my first night here. On Friday night, I turned out my bedroom light and realized that I could see the moon and two really bright stars on either side of it, through my window. I wanted to know if they were planets, so I looked it up (apparently there are websites for these things!) and discovered that they were, in fact, Jupiter (to the left) and Venus (to the right). Crazy. I sat on the windowseat and leaned my chin on our windowsill and watched the three lights until I fell asleep.

That was a pretty beautiful way to go to sleep.

Oh, another nice thing - on Saturday I was in the library for a research workshop, and while I was emailing things to myself, I got a note from Dad. He told me to go to the library (surprise! I was there!) and he gave me the reference number for a book. So after the workshop was finished I hunted around until I found a book on Katherine Hepburn (labeled in bold red letters, "KATE", which made me smile). Inside, bookmarking a chapter titled "On Top of the World", was a picture of my family from many moons ago; in the picture, we're standing next to the "Welcome to California!" sign that we pass each time we go to Lake Tahoe. We're all in our heinously young and awkward phases (I am sporting a low pony-tail, braces, a tankini top and jean shorts, and velcro sandals), but it's still a lovely picture. That made me incredibly happy, by the way, Dad. I'm looking forward to finding other similar treasures in cleverly chosen literature.

In other news, I've figured out my mailbox lock. Gretchen had to help me again, but I think this time I've got it! Well, we'll see tomorrow, at any rate. In the past two days I've received a lot of school mail, but I've also received a letter from a young friend and a package from the Brubakers. (Including a painting of a penguin that is actually Kayleigh's foot! It's ridiculous, but I actually almost cried when I saw how big her footprint is these days. Stop growing, children!) So I feel loved.

In other other news... well, I don't know. But things are going better. Some days I'm overwhelmed, some days I miss people so much it hurts, but every day I find good things, too. I'm learning a lot about people - some good things, some bad things, a lot of stupid things... and I'm learning a lot about myself, too. (Ditto the good, the bad, and the stupid part.) I'm also learning to rely on God in a very new, practical way. Which is good and, I'm realizing, incredibly necessary to one's survival. So yes - college is teaching me a lot. Sometimes I even learn in my classes. ;)

Oh, okay. I'd be remiss if I didn't say this at least once in my time at college... university-bound kids: no matter how awesome the cafeteria seems during orientation, you WILL get sick of it after four days. Stock up on bread, nuts, and coffee while you can.

Also, potato chips. AGH. NEED SNACK FOODS.

It's midnight, and I'm going to go to bed. Well, I'm going to lay in bed and read The Odyssey. (We're almost done, by the way. I feel so much more accomplished and intellectual than I did three weeks ago.)

Goodnight!